[identity profile] iamshunpike.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] terrapinshell
Title: Bowls of Pasta (2/?)
Fandom: Narnia RPF
Characters/Pairings: James McAvoy/Georgie Henley, with bits of Ben Barnes/Georgie Henley on the side.
Rating: PG and it's utter crack, too.
Warnings: If you don't like OCs, you probably won't like one that's briefly mentioned in one of James's letters. I added a background character, she existed for comic relief. What can you do? *kanyeshrug*
Summary: Skandar and Ben make fun of each other endlessly; Georgie and James are tired of sisters; there are bacon, an unwanted guest, menopause, and a shouting Will P.
A/N: I became addicted to writing this. I don't even know what it is! It's utter crack is what it is, it's fun and it's (hopefully) funny and it's me writing whatever the hell I want to for my own entertainment. It's scatterbrained and all over the place and I hope you enjoy it. Bonjour et bienvenue, mes amis....
Also, it's necessary to read the first chapter to understand what's going on here.

From: spidermonkeydarwin_king@aol.com
To: imbringingcaspianback@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Re: HAHAHAHA
Date: 25 Jan 2011 | 3:25 PM

Oh fuck you, Ben. I bet you don't even know what the books are titled, I bet you'd have to look it up. I bet you'd find not knowing the titles a valuable asset to your coolness.

Well I'll have you know they are excellent.


Aside from that I really suggest you read them. Laugh at me, go ahead, well guess what? Anna's sister likes them. And I know you like Lulu. Even though she's probably a giant lez like we've discussed (not when Anna's around of course) but still that just makes her more legit and therefore COOL. Cooler than you.

She's a legit lesbian reading legitimately lesbian books and we can't even GO there! Her vagina is like a magical world, the portal to which we can NEVER open because WE DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT KEY. NO MATTER HOW KEY-LIKE DICKS ARE. BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT DICK.

It's just so baffling to me, HOW CAN YOU HAVE SEX WITH NO DICK? you can't put a vagina in a vagina


From: spidermonkeydarwin_king@aol.com
To: imbringingcaspianback@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: No Subject
Date: 25 Jan 2011 | 3:31 PM

I accidentally hit send on that last email since the vagina thing was baffling me and I was doing that flailing-arms-in-confusion thing that everyone laughs about. And then my elbow hit the mouse.



From: discofaun06@gmail.com
To: owlfacemattressnumberhead@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Re: Don't sweat it James
Date: 27 Jan 2011 | 9:40 PM


It looks like I'm going to have to get tattooed then, doesn't it? No point in arguing now, is there? I suppose not. If I'm resigned this early on, then that resignation will turn to anticipation eventually. Anticipation will become excitement and I'll probably be ready by the time you're twenty-five or so.



From: owlfacemattressnumberhead@yahoo.co.uk
To: discofaun06@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: Don't sweat it James
Date: 27 Jan 2011 | 10:30 PM

Is that a promise, James? I'll hold you to it, you know.
And that last sentence you wrote has two meanings lololol.



From: discofaun06@gmail.com
To: owlfacemattressnumberhead@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Don't sweat it James
Date: 27 Jan 2011 | 11:00 PM


And I know I'm going to regret this, but...yes, it's a promise.

Anne-Marie's sister's just arrived from Bristol so I must go, we're welcoming her in, she always brings more luggage than she ought to* and I am always the one to carry it in. Bugger it.

Have a good night, I have to log off now.


* the emotional kind of luggage, too. urgh. i expect to hear a lot about serial boyfriends this week. also sitting in the kitchen with a guinness at 3:00 in the afternoon. even A-M hates it, she just calls you up out of nowhere at fecking noon and announces that she's on the way to your place and should be there by evening.

Life Advice: marry an only child


From: owlfacemattressnumberhead@yahoo.co.uk
To: discofaun06@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Don't sweat it James
Date: 28 Jan 2011 | 12:10 AM

Looks like you're in for it. I wouldn't be you if I was paid to do it.

Then again I wouldn't need to be paid, I'm in a successful film franchise and i make bank mothafucka~

Georgie the Townie in Ilkla Mooar baht at, where the nuns play rugby an they've all got spots....

P.S. That means I can't marry you, haha haha!


From: discofaun06@gmail.com
To: owlfacemattressnumberhead@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Don't sweat it James
Date: 28 Jan 2011 | 8:20 AM


How do you manage to make arrogance adorable?


P.S. Trust me, she is. Day One and the migraine shall soon begin. I'll keep you posted.


From: imbringingcaspianback@hotmail.co.uk
To: spidermonkeydarwin_king@aol.com
Subject: Re: Re: HAHAHAHA
Date: 31 Jan 2011 | 3:10 PM

"It's just so baffling to me, HOW CAN YOU HAVE SEX WITH NO DICK? you can't put a vagina in a vagina"

skandar have you not heard of the magical thing called a clitoris? it works wonders

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.0.238 / Virus Database: 270.11.53/2054 - Release Date: 04/11/09 10:51:00


From: spidermonkeydarwin_king@aol.com
To: imbringingcaspianback@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: HAHAHAHA
Date: 31 Jan 2011 | 5:20 PM

I'm sure you would know, Ben. it's not like you've been single for years or anything.




From: imbringingcaspianback@hotmail.co.uk
To: spidermonkeydarwin_king@aol.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: HAHAHAHA
Date: 31 Jan 2011 | 7:52 PM

I'm playing the field you self-righteous little fuck

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.0.238 / Virus Database: 270.11.53/2054 - Release Date: 04/11/09 10:51:00


From: discofaun06@gmail.com
To: owlfacemattressnumberhead@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Fiona Duff Newsletter, Issue #1
Date: 1 February 2011 | 11:45 PM

Georgie, I told you I'd keep you posted and here we are. It's the Fiona Duff weekly (or not, depending on my mood) Newsletter. welcome and enjoy your stay.

Where do I begin?? It is her fifth night here, and this letter may be a bit disjointed, just like her life and my brain....

27 January [Night One]
On the first night we ate at Monkey Nuts [don't ask] and Fiona got pissed drunk. To be fair it was happy hour, but she got more than happy. More like a psychiatrist's nightmare fuel to be honest. She started on about her last boyfriend and it ended out with her standing on a chair, trying to insert her empty beer bottle as a tampon. [Don't worry she was wearing underwear]. It was ugly.
Her skirt which was made of PVC was pulled all up on her stomach in about two seconds, and then with the beer bottle. She forgot that her knickers existed and the fabric stopped her from actually getting the bottle in there. But still.

Anne-Marie had to fucking grab the bottle from her sister's crotch and then tackle her back into the booth. It took me and a couple blokes to get her into the car, but not before at least half the patrons left. I don't think we'll be allowed in there again.

28 January [Day One, since she arrived at night if you remember]
Fiona slept all day. A mercy which turned out to be false, since she woke at 6:00 PM and stayed up all night doing daytime things.

At 7 PM she made herself bacon and eggs. At 8 PM she went for a walk about town. Ten o'clock, she was exercising to a Pilates DVD in our living room.
She styled her hair with the loud blowdryer + every styling mousse on god's green earth at around midnight. It took her an hour.

I wanted to write more, but I hear loud crashes from outside and my car alarm is going off. Damn it.



From: owlfacemattressnumberhead@yahoo.co.uk
To: discofaun06@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Fiona Duff Newsletter, Issue #1
Date: 2 February 2011 | 3:21 PM


I feel for you. I really do. But this story can warrant only one type of response:


I was reading it to Laura and she almost pissed her pants in laughter. I told her she better not, not on my pink fuzzy floor pillow, I already had to buy a new one of those from where she did last time (since you can't wash them). She told me that was four years ago, and why do I even remember it still??? Then kept laughing and she rolled over and barked like a dog, with paw-hands and everything.

Trust me I am more sane than my family.

And, Question: If you started your life over and were doing things differently, would you really not marry someone with siblings again?
Like if you met Anne-Marie and, magically knowing what you do now about horrible siblings-in-law, would you decide not to marry her because of it? Or would you marry her in spite of it, because you loved her? OR, would you marry someone completely different?

I've got to go, Rachael needs to use the computer. Something about typing up a resumé. Why didn't she just do that at her flat? She does that stuff here since printer paper is expensive etc etc etc.

you are not the only one dealing with a sister right now. But I've got two, so I wallop you in the annoyance contest. Give me proof I dont! keep these coming they're hilarious. comedy gold as i said.



From: norman_no-mates@gmail.com
To: anna.popplewell@magd.ox.ac.uk
Subject: I wonder...
Date: 3 February 2011 | 6:12 PM

Dear Anna,

I wonder what Georgie and Skandar and everyone are doing. To that point, how are you doing?

Things are all right here, Mum's going bonkers since she's in menopause now and we're replacing one of the windows that she threw a chair straight into. Actually she did that to two windows, but we're only fixing the one in the sitting room. The other one's covered in duct tape - Daisy's plan and let's see if it works.


P.S. maybe Poulterface knows something about them we don't.


From: anna.popplewell@magd.ox.ac.uk
To: norman_no-mates@gmail.com
Subject: Re: I wonder...
Date: 3 February 2011 | 6:40 PM

Oh Will stop being everyone's dad, I'm sure they're all fine. Yeah, I know, easy for me to talk, when I do the same thing. Still, your mum's probably making you nervous. You could rent a flat near here, I bet you'd find something cheapish.

If you want the Narnia bit, know that the pub where C. S. Lewis and Tolkien and all used to go is in Oxford, too...I can't remember the name...perhaps they've got a room....

Someone knocked over my porridge, i'm in the dining hall with a lap-top...oh fuck it.


P.S. it was actually someone else's porridge but i still want to go clean it up since i'm not just going to LEAVE IT LYING THERE am i?? i'll check with Will about the others by the way — A.


From: anna.popplewell@magd.ox.ac.uk
To: willyouisorwillyouaint_mybaby@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: query
Date: 3 February 2011 | 7:02 PM

pretend i didn't write that

I only ask because Moseley wants to know and I need to get him off my back.



From: willyouisorwillyouaint_mybaby@hotmail.co.uk
To: anna.popplewell@magd.ox.co.uk
Subject: Re: query
Date: February 2011 | 7:21 PM

Dear Anna,
You're lucky I'm on-line right now, so you can get back to will right away and stop his epileptic seizures. make him eat some bacon. he'll like it and then he'll think like the hive mind. yes. yes. convert, convert, convert.... he shall think like us with enough bacon down his gullet
hee. hee.

And as for Georgie and Ben. NO. THEY ARE NOT DEAD FROM FUCKING...




i can't make any promises for future.

then again, are you really sure they are? fucking, i mean. WE all joke about it behind their backs (and sometimes to their faces) but is it really happening? And if so, would you condone it (based on legal and moral aspects)? You are a barrister's daughter, after all.

And Skandar is alive. I am living and doing well, except that this girl who lives near me called Millicent won't stop sending me candy hearts and it's getting on my nerves. I heard she saw Dawn Treader about twelve times. I hope it's a lie. How do you put girls off?? Usually I want to make them like me BUT NOT HERE.

How are you two (you and Will)?

I really will shove that bacon down Will's uptight throat if he doesn't calm down
that's it i'm calling the guy.



3 February 2011 | 7:30 PM

Will Moseley was brushing his teeth with a manual toothbrush when the call came. He immediately dropped the brush into the sink and spit vigorously. Running to the bedroom, he just managed to grab it on the last ring.


"Is that you, baconface?" an aggressive voice demanded.

Will was befuddled in the extreme. "...Excuse me? Who is this?"


"What?" Now Will was slightly scared in addition to his confusion.

"Listen to me. It's very, very rude to send your girlfriend letters questioning her about people she doesn't even know!"

"Poulter, take your meds. Are we talking about Anna? What happened? And she's not my girlfriend, how many times do I have to tell you all —"

"As many times as it takes to make the truth false!"

Will "Baconface" Moseley sighed. When Will Poulter got into fistgrinding rages like this, usually out of protectiveness for Anna, it took a miracle and about ten Xanax to calm him down. Bacon No-Mates dove straight in.

"Where did this all start?" he patiently asked. That was all it took.

"You porkin', baconeating, emailing feet-grabber....

"I am alive. Skandar is alive. Anna is alive, Georgie is alive. Sometimes I question Ben's comprehension of the universe BUT HE IS ALL RIGHT TOO. AND ALIVE."

Bacon-Will began cheerfully. "Well thanks, I'd been wondering that lately —"

"I KNOW FUCKING WELL YOU HAVE. Stop bloody badgering Anna! She's our friend! E-mail harrassment will get you sued! I'll shove your bacontits down your throat —"

Will No-Mates heard a sound from the other end, then a voice, dimly.

Will, what's going on? A woman, Poulter's mother, maybe.

"Nothing, Mum. I'm on the phone to Baconface."

Oh, is that your drug dealer then? the woman joked wryly. For the first time, Moseley No-Mates wondered whether his younger counter-Will really was on drugs. But he dismissed the thought instantly as nonsensical. Will's pupils always looked the same. Drug use affected things like that, didn't it?

The young man sighed. "Yes, Mum, Will is my drug dealer. Would you like me to buy some pot for you? I know you're not into the heavier stuff."

Ah, so it's Moseley you're on with. In that case, just get me some china white.

"All right, then."

Supper's at eight, don't miss it. It's stew Millicent's mum sent over.

"Fucking Millicent again...." Poulter-nuts muttered.

I've had a talk with her mother. She should be out of your hair soon enough, I've made sure of it.

Poulter-nuts gasped in excitement. Enthusiastically he asked, "What, are you having her killed?"

No! A giggle, then receding footsteps. A door shutting.

Baconface Moseley decided this was the time to clear his throat.

"Oh, yeah, you're still on the line. Listen, Will, I have a bit of a problem."

I figured as much, Bacon-Will thought but didn't say. He was very relieved to hear Poulter-nuts's voice sounding far closer to normal. "What kind of a problem?"

"A girl problem."


"How do you put girls off? There's one who won't let up, she lives in my town, it's weird."

Bacon-Will was quiet for a moment, thinking. What did put girls off? Then it struck him like lightning on a Sunday morning.

"I've got exactly the cure. Listen, I've got this belt buckle, and every time I've flirted with a girl with it on, I've failed. Just from wearing this one belt."

"A belt?" Poulter-nuts was skeptical.

"Yep. It's in the shape of a ram's head, I can lend it to you by Saturday. She'll be off your back in no time...."


the end.
for now. once again, for now.

Cross-posted to [livejournal.com profile] narnia_rpf.
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.


terrapinshell: (Default)
Terrapin Shell

January 2012

1 234567

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 23rd, 2017 03:53 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios